Saturday, October 16, 2010

my ideas usually come not at my desk writing but in the midst of living. -anais nin

I was recently spending time with this boy, note that I say spending time with and not dating or seeing, because while to the outside world it may have seemed that was exactly what I was doing, I can assure you that technically I was not. On January 1, 2010 I made a pact to myself that I would remain celibate for the entire year, so far so good, woo woo, and in addition I would also not see, date, or be attached to anyone either, I'm currently trying to get over an ex, long story I'll probably visit it in another post. Anyways, let me get back on track, this boy I was seeing, let's call him Waffles, mainly because he made the most AMAZING waffles from scratch, there I go again with the tangents; back on track. Waffles and I had actually dated before, a few months in 2009 but I broke it off because he was, how do you say, clingy. Anyways, this year I had run into him again and we started spending time together and hanging out and these were some of the thoughts going through my head during that time.

"What the hell is my problem? Here is a boy who likes me, really likes me, so much so that I can see him actively trying to hold himself back from saying the other L word that ends in OVE. Why can't I just be with him and give him a chance? I mean isn't he what all of my friends are searching for? A guy, a HOT guy, who has his shit together and isn't afraid to actually say how he feels?"

"Sometimes when I'm with him, I find myself wishing he were someone else, anyone else. Someone who didn't like me as much as he did because I know this will end badly for him. I sometimes wish he was one of those douche bag guys my girlfriends complain about over sangria, that way when I get too blah and decide that what he wants is too heavy for me he won't get as hurt as he will because he's Waffles."

"I am that cliche girl in the beginning of her twenties who ruins the lives of all the boys she spends time with. The girl who devours men and causes them distress and heartache but hides behind the I am just living my life cloak; the I'm just trying to figure me and I'm sorry if you don't get that and or get hurt in the process of trying to understand it." How long am I going to be this girl and hiding behind this cloak?

Since that thing, that I refuse to call a relationship, I'm not sure that I've actually changed or grew at all, especially since it just ended a few weeks ago, in a super crazy drama filled way that I am sure to revisit in another post.

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