Wednesday, February 23, 2011

i found this on my work computer and decided to actually put it out there.

 I wanted to write this out, on paper, to let you know how truly sorry I am.

I hurt you and I am aware of that and I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that I am sorry for that. In the past few years of my life I have hurt a lot a people, and while none of them were on purpose, a lot of people got their feelings hurt and their hearts broken because they made the mistake of trusting me with them.

I don’t usually apologize for the things that I have done or the decisions that I have made even when they have hurt people because I have given every boy, whom I’ve ever been around, a disclaimer within the first weeks of meeting me. I tell them all the same story, don’t fall for me because I can assure you that I will not be there to catch you when you do. I tell them that I’m not ready for anything more than just being friends and that that’s not going to change just because I see you a couple of times a week for a few months but, for some reason, they don’t seem to believe and, unfortunately, you also fall into that category.

You said you understood and were completely ok with not being more that friends who occasionally saw each other naked but somewhere along the way that started to not be enough for you. I tried to walk away because I could see it in your eyes every time you looked at me but you’re so adorable I couldn’t really stay away for that long. I wanted to love you, I really did, but there’s not enough room in my heart right now. I told you, I warned you that I didn’t have complete control of my heart; that it was off in Virginia with another boy, the same boy who’s had it in his pocket since 2003, but you didn’t listen. You tried to break though but I wouldn’t let you in because, to be completely honest, I was not / am not ready to take my heart back from him yet.

I tried warning you that I couldn’t give you what you needed or even what you wanted. I know you only asked for a little bit and I think that’s what made me feel fucked up the most; the fact that you only asked for a little piece of me and I was unable / unwilling to do that for you. I don’t want it to seem like I didn’t care for you because it’s actually the exact opposite of that, I cared / care for you a lot, a lot more than I admit to other people or even myself but as much as I care about you I’m still not ready to be in a committed relationship or even in a relationship that will turn into a committed relationship soonish.

I wanted to write this because I wanted you to know that you meant something to me, you were the first person in a long time I cared about enough to apologize for the hurt I caused you. I say that because in the past few years there have been multiple boys standing in your shoes, before me, telling me they wanted more and getting sad because they realized that I actually meant it when I said I wasn’t going to be able to love anyone back.

I’m sorry and I understand why you can’t be my friend. 

I wrote this a little while ago and it didn't stop after this...maybe I'll write some more, some day.

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