Saturday, February 19, 2011

guide to nowhere (part 6)

1. Have make out sessions in back seats of cars in parking lots. It's hot and reminds me of fun, memorable high school nights and that boy I used to crush on from senior English, not that we made out in the back of his Escalade or anything.

2. Don't placate boys egos just so they feel better about themselves; but do let them teach you to play pool when you already know how just so you can kick their ass later and laugh.

3. Women curse! Say whatever you want and don't give a fuck if some random ass bar dude thinks its unlady like; if they say something to you about it tell them to shut the fuck up.

4. If you meet a guy and he spits when he talks, walk away! Trust me, you don't want to make out with a spitter; you'll feel like you're drowning.

5. Don't date a guy who has a herpes breakout in both areas, that's just not safe.

6. I know it seems nice and romantic, but sex on the beach is not always the cutest thing. There is nothing cute about sand getting in your vadge and fuckin up your lubrication. Besides sand, rubbing, condoms...not a good combo.

7. Don't be afraid to check his mouth for cold sores before he goes down on you, there's no shame in the herpes prevention game.

8. Don't order salads on the first date because you think he'll think its cute and lady like. There's nothing cute or lady like about shoving shards of leaves in your mouth; besides you run the very high risk of getting it stuck in your teeth and he might not want to kiss you because of it.

9. Don't spit in the sink after having brushed your teeth without rinsing it after. That's just gross; plus you'll have to scrub that shit eventually.

10. If he says he can't fuck you because your bra and panties don't match, he's gay. Trust me on this, never in the history of fucking has a straight guy ever been ready to bang a chick and takes a look and says wait, red bra and purple panties? Nope, not anymore I can't do this. 

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