Wednesday, January 5, 2011

guide to nowhere: male edition (part 4)

So it's been a long time since i've done this but i wanted to help the guys out this year so here's some guidance for 2011.

1. Never, ever, ever dance with a girl you do not know with a hard penis. It is disgusting and we do NOT like it. I seriously cannot stress this enough; we hate it. there is nothing cool about jamming your hard penis against our asses while we’re trying to jam to Waka Flocka’s No Hands.

2. Never tell a girl to stop complaining about her feet! Seriously, do you see the shoes we walk in, I know you do because you look at them right after you noticed how great my ass looks because of them. While you’re out there is your chucks and blazer, we’re prancing around in tiny little dresses and 6’ heels to look good; now I’m not saying that we do it for you, but you do enjoy the view so as long as you look let us complain!

3. Do not under any circumstances tell her those jeans make her look fat. If they look so horrible on us that you can’t stand the thought of us wearing them, simply say that you don’t think they do you as much justice to our assets as (insert flattering piece of clothing you’ve seen us in).

4. Never, ever wear those cowboy neck tie things. They are weird and ugly, especially if you’re not even in Texas, but seriously even if you are in Texas, don’t do it.

5. Don't go to the gym when you're already super buff, unless you're training for the strongman competition, there's no need to. You're done dude, done

6. Don't complain about having to watch chick flicks, especially if you're planning on getting laid or got laid by us. Seriously, we lay on top of you naked; the very least you can do it is sit through Love and Other Drugs. 

7. When sitting down at a table with women do not let the first thing you say to the waiter be can we have separate checks. Seriously dude? Seriously? Before you've even ordered your water? NO, NO, NO, that's a sure fire way to make sure you're NOT getting laid by anyone at the table. And really, it's just dick thing to say before you've even ordered your meal. 

8. When you're having sex with a girl, do not just assume it's ok with her for you to cum on her face; ask first! Seriously, it's just polite. 

9. If she looks under age, check ID before penetration. There's nothing cool about being a registered sex offender.

10. Visit this blog as often as possible, seriously, it's amazing.



purse 'n boots said...

hahahahaha!!!! LOVE these commandments!!!! although I broke one, as definitely used one of those cowboy neck things in the mike&chris lookbook :/ don't judge!! hahaha thanks for the love on my blog!! much appreciated!!

ashley <3

Erica said...

i won't. everyone gets one pass so i guess you used yours already, hahah. :)