guide to nowhere (part 7)

I started a tumblr, you should take a look, it's awesome. I'm going to start doing my  guide to nowhere posts there, so that's reason enough to check it out; but since I sprung it on you, I'll ween you off by showing the first 3...go here to read the rest.


1. I don't care what he says, he cannot cum inside you with out a condom; unless he wears very expensive shoes, then he's totally disease free.

2. Never try to crowd surf wearing a skirt. There is nothing cool about being finger banged by a ton of dirty fingered concert goer.

3. Scrunchies are NOT cool. They are NOT coming back. Please let them rest in peace.

guide to nowhere (part 6)

1. Have make out sessions in back seats of cars in parking lots. It's hot and reminds me of fun, memorable high school nights and that boy I used to crush on from senior English, not that we made out in the back of his Escalade or anything.

2. Don't placate boys egos just so they feel better about themselves; but do let them teach you to play pool when you already know how just so you can kick their ass later and laugh.

3. Women curse! Say whatever you want and don't give a fuck if some random ass bar dude thinks its unlady like; if they say something to you about it tell them to shut the fuck up.

4. If you meet a guy and he spits when he talks, walk away! Trust me, you don't want to make out with a spitter; you'll feel like you're drowning.

5. Don't date a guy who has a herpes breakout in both areas, that's just not safe.

6. I know it seems nice and romantic, but sex on the beach is not always the cutest thing. There is nothing cute about sand getting in your vadge and fuckin up your lubrication. Besides sand, rubbing, condoms...not a good combo.

7. Don't be afraid to check his mouth for cold sores before he goes down on you, there's no shame in the herpes prevention game.

8. Don't order salads on the first date because you think he'll think its cute and lady like. There's nothing cute or lady like about shoving shards of leaves in your mouth; besides you run the very high risk of getting it stuck in your teeth and he might not want to kiss you because of it.

9. Don't spit in the sink after having brushed your teeth without rinsing it after. That's just gross; plus you'll have to scrub that shit eventually.

10. If he says he can't fuck you because your bra and panties don't match, he's gay. Trust me on this, never in the history of fucking has a straight guy ever been ready to bang a chick and takes a look and says wait, red bra and purple panties? Nope, not anymore I can't do this. 

guide to nowhere (part 5)

1. Don't wear skirts over jeans, its weird and ugly.
2. Peep toe boots are weird and ugly, no matter how trendy they are. It completely defeats the point of boots if your toes are just going to be cold. Don't wear them. Using the same logic I shouldn't like 3/4 sleeves on blazers or cardigans but I do so you can totally wear those.
3. Listen to Taylor Swift's speak album. It's the shit and speaks to me even though I'm not 16.
4. Listen to Kanye's Dark and Beautiful. He comes with the same fire and intensity as he did on The College Drop Out.
5. Be in love with Jay Baruchel. He's amazing.
6 Don't be afraid to say no; too many people get caught up in trying to be nice that they forget to be themselves and stand up for what they want and don't want. Don't be one of those people.
7. Don't wear high heels rain boots. They're ugly.
8. If it doesn't fit and they don't have anymore in your size, it was ugly anyway.
9. Never wear khaki pants with a beige top, you'll look nude and that's his weird. Besides, I'm not the biggest fan of plain flesh colored tops or khaki for that matter but if you must, wear the khaki pants but not the top.
10. Do wear bright tights. There adorable and brighten up any ensemble. Do not however wear bright tights that match your bright dress that's just weird and ugly.

guide to nowhere: male edition (part 4)

So it's been a long time since i've done this but i wanted to help the guys out this year so here's some guidance for 2011.


1. Never, ever, ever dance with a girl you do not know with a hard penis. It is disgusting and we do NOT like it. I seriously cannot stress this enough; we hate it. there is nothing cool about jamming your hard penis against our asses while we’re trying to jam to Waka Flocka’s No Hands.

2. Never tell a girl to stop complaining about her feet! Seriously, do you see the shoes we walk in, I know you do because you look at them right after you noticed how great my ass looks because of them. While you’re out there is your chucks and blazer, we’re prancing around in tiny little dresses and 6’ heels to look good; now I’m not saying that we do it for you, but you do enjoy the view so as long as you look let us complain!

3. Do not under any circumstances tell her those jeans make her look fat. If they look so horrible on us that you can’t stand the thought of us wearing them, simply say that you don’t think they do you as much justice to our assets as (insert flattering piece of clothing you’ve seen us in).

4. Never, ever wear those cowboy neck tie things. They are weird and ugly, especially if you’re not even in Texas, but seriously even if you are in Texas, don’t do it.

5. Don't go to the gym when you're already super buff, unless you're training for the strongman competition, there's no need to. You're done dude, done

6. Don't complain about having to watch chick flicks, especially if you're planning on getting laid or got laid by us. Seriously, we lay on top of you naked; the very least you can do it is sit through Love and Other Drugs. 


7. When sitting down at a table with women do not let the first thing you say to the waiter be can we have separate checks. Seriously dude? Seriously? Before you've even ordered your water? NO, NO, NO, that's a sure fire way to make sure you're NOT getting laid by anyone at the table. And really, it's just dick thing to say before you've even ordered your meal. 


8. When you're having sex with a girl, do not just assume it's ok with her for you to cum on her face; ask first! Seriously, it's just polite. 


9. If she looks under age, check ID before penetration. There's nothing cool about being a registered sex offender.

10. Visit this blog as often as possible, seriously, it's amazing.

xoxo
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guide to nowhere (part 3): glee edition aka shit i learned from glee episodes

1. when you're sick, only one thing makes you feel better...gin and juice.

2. berets are out.

3. fashion has no gender.

4. cheerios are the shit. one girl ate a pigeon, that's how badly they wanna be cheerios

5. suzanne somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide

6. hoarders is great but animal hoarders is better. this is actually a true story that i can attest to.

7. you can marry harry but mess around with ike

8. don't eat tater tots, they look like depp fried deer poop

9. if everyone just put out, high schools would have winning football teams

10. people who dress like librarians are all sex addicts.

i'm back and in blogging mode aka guide to nowhere (part 2)

I first want to say that blogging is super addictive, going 4 days without blogging was hard; I felt like a crack head without their pipe. Ohh this feels so good.

Anyways, I'm sitting in the Houston Airport, on my layover, waiting for my flight and I had a few thoughts I wanted to share.

1. All the hot black men are hiding in the Houston airport, so if you're looking for one, quick, go now before I snatch them all up.

2. Like I said in part 1 of this post series DO NOT wear heels to inappropriate places, the airport is one. If you're running late for your flight, you might have to run and you are putting yourself in physical and psychological danger of face planting and having random airport kids with ice cream all over their hands and faces laughing hysterically at you, like the lady who just face-planted while trying to run in her (super cute) ysl platforms. Had she read my blog she would have never put herself in that situation, so let her (hilarious) embarrassing tale be a warning to you.

3. Do not wear large tote bags in the club. Are you carrying your laptop in there? Are you secretly going to the bathroom to do your homework? No? Then don't bring it. I don't need to be dodging you and your big ass bag all night because you keep hitting me with it.

4. Do not bedazzle everything in your closet. There is nothing cute about walking outside and having the sun reflect off you to only blind everyone else. This one's for you, everyone who shops in South Beach Miami.

5. This may be the most important advice I give you all post. DO NOT use Halloween as an excuse to walk outside naked. I know Halloween is the national dress like a slut day, hey I participate too, but I do not, however, go to the club in underwear with cotton balls over my nipples and call that a costume. You know why? Because it's not! I also don't wear a g-string with a fish net body suit and call that a costume. That one is for you, girl in Club Cameo and random girl on the street on Halloween.

That's all I have for now. My flight is boarding. Thanks for reading.

guide to nowhere (part 1)

if read this post and do as it says

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So now that I've done a few fashion posts I figured it was time to bring out the cocktails! No, I'm not going to give you some random drink recipes, it's more like a post that I've written after I've had a few cocktails. This one in particular though is more like a series of posts. Guidance to nowhere is basically that, guidance to nowhere, a few simple tips to living.

1. DO NOT wear stilettos to inappropriate places (i.e. disneyland, college campus libraries during finals week, halloween haunted trails) seriously ladies, there nothing cute about walking around disneyland in stilettos, we all know your feet hurt, you just look weird.

2. People who say trust me, cannot be trusted, unless they follow it with I'm a doctor; then they can be trusted.

3. NEVER make out with a guy who has a popped collar in 2010 or in 2011 for that matter (maybe in 2012, I don't know yet but I'll keep you updated), anyways, they're bad news and more than likely have herpes.

4. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf is WAYYY better than Starbucks! Don't buy into the hype people, buy into the coffee.

5. Pinkberry is wack! it's all about Yogurtland, always has been always will be.